"How Long Is Long Enough?"

Written by Dr. James "Jim" Burge Bereavement & After-Care Specialist

Lean way back in your favorite recliner chair; put your mind in neutral. Draw mental pictures of your most favorite vacation spot. If desirable, turn on the music that you appreciate the most. Take good, long deep breaths. Try to relax. Think of good experiences you had as you allow your thoughts to carry you back in time, I would venture to guess, that when you relax, you begin visions of "what it used to be." These "memory pictures" are the very heartbeat of a griever's existence. It doesn't take the wisdom of a rocket scientist to understand that those "good ole days" can never be repeated. Thus, I appreciate the profound statement, "you can never step in the same stream twice." As true as that is, it doesn't keep the grieving person from wanting to at least, get back in the water!

Strange isn't it, how we spend years planning, preparing and praying for that wonderful time in our ever so short life when we can successfully lean back and view our family with a gleam of deep satisfaction. To some, this is called retirement, while others choose to define this as a time to "shift gears." There are some who are naive enough to think of this period as "those golden years."

Every piece of life’s puzzle seems to be neatly fitting into place. We are pleased. Happiness has become the order of the day. In short, life couldn't be better. Not until our special circles are broken. That family unit which did everything as a whole, can no longer function in that manner because a very important link in the family chain has been removed by death. We are lost. Life seems as though it isn't worth living. We certainly can't see any future because we are having tremendous difficulty seeing at all! We struggle. We endeavor to keep things in some sense of normalcy, but now we can't define normalcy! I compare this feeling at that of a ping-pong ball in a 50 corner room, never knowing what we're bouncing off next.

Regardless of how one describes hat specific time in life’s journey, things too frequently come crashing out from under us. All our dreams, goals and life’s expectancies are lost in the brevity of one, single microsecond! Life becomes cruel, unfair and downright miserable. The tragedy of death has invades our special, solitary and spiritual place. At a time we never planned for the frailty of death has overtaken our families and threatens our very existence It does not matter if it was the death of a parent or an infant, the death of a spouse so short or lengthy duration, or a loving companion. Death knows no boundaries! There is no scoring system for the severity of death fro a survivor! Of course, we all know we are going to die --- sometime. But when that “sometime” arrives we simply aren’t ready for the onslaught.

We work hard as a team called family to realize life's expectations. When a member of that precious inner circle is removed by death, all of us are deeply involved and part of us dies with that loved one. Nothing is the same; nor will it ever be the same again. In today's world each person must pull their fair share of the family load in order that our dreams are fulfilled. We work, save and plan for our children to go to college and later into business or other life dreams of choice. We pray collectively, silently or audibly that there is grace and mercy for all of us, in order that we may realize our dreams.

The drama of life becomes an episode of confusion. We respond by trying to put things back in some semblance of order. Now, order is difficult. A new and strange routine takes over. Breaking our usual organization mold, we assume the position of a robot, moving from place to place hardly recognizing why we are at this spot, and what did we come for in the first place. This is a period of extreme vulnerability for any griever!

Suddenly out of every corner, come relatives and friends, holding the solution to the griever's problem in the palm of their hand. Their instructions are simple, "Surround yourself with good friends." Sounds good to me, but there is one major problem, can these potential caregivers called friends, take our pain? In far too many instances those we considered friends (and relations) suddenly disappear deep in the background. Refuge becomes difficult, even in expected places as church or elsewhere! What grieving people need are companions, and genuine companions are rare. A companion can be defined as that very special person(s) that can listen without judgment. Companions are unique in that they allow you to be yourself, regardless of what is seen or said. Companions are solid gold!

Grief is a long and difficult journey, and should never be traveled alone. Time slips by slowly. The grief journey has many up's and down's, and often there are more down's than \ Days escape into weeks and weeks and in the midst of frequent doubt, the griever begins to feel as though, "I'm going to make it after all." The song writer penned it best with a note for the griever, "Some days are diamonds and some are days are stones."

Then, that trusted friend, relative, physician, possibly pastor, gives you one final capsule of proposed relief, "Now Sally/Joe your (loved one) has been dead

3 months now. There aren't coming back. It's time for you to move forward with your life, it’s been long enough now."

Wouldn't it be wonderful if it were that easy? Think about it. Just to have someone, anyone inform you that you should be over this by now. Wow! That's a miracle if there ever was one. Obviously this person has never walked this journey before!

For anyone presenting such heartfelt wisdom, you automatically know several things. First, they have never had a loved one to die. Grief isn't all mapped out with easy generic directions for all. Lock back over our story at this writing, it is totally impossible to conclude a grief journey so compact, in just a few rushed up weeks! This wasn't a piece of old furniture we placed out on the curb for the waste disposal people to carry away. This was a vital- part of our being and thus a part of us died with that loved one.

Therefore my grieving friend, don't become alarmed when you are told that you should be over your grieving by now, just try (as difficult as that may be) to understand most people are speaking from lack of experience, and it plainly shows!

Running on Empty

Written by M.J. Nowji

Note: A Time For Everything Bereavement Services introduces to our readers the heart felt compassionate writings on M.J. Nowji. Mary earned her Masters degree from Syracuse University. Presently she is an adjunct instructor at Onondaga Community College. She is actively involved with Hope For The Bereaved, a non-profit bereavement center. Since the death of her husband Mary has taken a special interest in helping bereaved persons.

I looked at the gas gauge while I was driving to the grocery store for my weekly supply of food and other essentials. The needle pointed to the large E which registered as empty in my mind. “I need gas,” I thought. “When though?” echoed back. I had too much to do and felt so overwhelmed at the same time since the death of my husband. I felt annoyed at yet another bequest of my time and energy. As I turned around the corner, I saw the large blue sign that announced full-service gasoline. Reluctantly, I pulled into the station and just as I was about to get out of the car, a young man came over and asked me if I’d like help filling my tank. Surprised at the offer, I sat back and said, “Oh, sure, that’s fine!” I began to relax and as I watched him wash the windshield I realized how I had been running on empty too. Grief had drained the energy from me as I kept myself so busy, not wanting to think or feel anything. Running from the pain seemed the easier route, but I still felt the emptiness of the lost connections I had with the others in the form of family and friends. My emotional tank was empty was empty and I needed to surrender to efforts that would fill me up as well as give me energy to move forward on my grief path.

Sometimes I needed to do were obvious. First, I needed to slow down and stop the running. I needed to rethink priorities in my new life. I had to ask myself some serious questions that day about, “How important is it that some things just don’t get done? How can I restore myself? What do I really need right now?” I felt like I was sitting there for a long time before the young man finished work. I felt good to be waited on, if only at the gas station. I paid him, thanked him with a big smile, and turned the car around. I realized that I was tired, so I went home to take a long nap in the middle of the day. After a perfect rest, I awoke with a more restored attitude, knowing that grief is work and I had already put in a full day. A break was in order before I broke!! That gas gauge is my personal check point of how I’m doing emotionally and physically. It may seem silly but, I check it everyday.