"I'M GLAD I DID WHAT I DID"

Written by Dr. James "Jim" Burge Bereavement & After-Care Specialist

For this issue, I am going to break many of the hard fast rules I have been taught. Acting upon the encouragement from many people, friends and other professionals, I have been asked to share some of my personal learning experiences stemming out of my wife's unsuccessful battle with cancer. Having fought a losing battle since 1987, she spent her final four years in constant, excruciating pain. During our frequent trips to the hospital and doctor's offices, she constantly shared with me (and any person that could listen to her story) some of the deep dynamics of her swiftly fading life. Those last four years were a 'hell-on-earth' experience. She lost that battle on October 28, 2003.

We were married for 48 years, 2 months and 14 days. She always wanted to reach that magical 50th year anniversary, but she didn't make it. A11 of us lamented that she was so close and yet so far from that coveted number. For me, life changed drastically in a micro-second. Nothing is the same, nor will it ever be. Everything is a new learning experience now. Things that I dreaded and didn't want to learn are now a reality and there is no choice. It must be done, like it or not.

My wife chose to be a homemaker. Only for a brief few years did she have apart time job outside the home. Her home was her life. She loved her family deeply. Keeping the house and all those strenuous attention getting chores were normal to her. She would tell anyone, "God called me to be a housewife and I love that occupation." Those who knew her best will testify to this day, that she lived life to it's fullest. I often described her attitude and personality equal to that of a ping pong ball in a 50 corner room. You didn't know where she was going to light from one minute to the next. She loved life and everything in it. She was definitely a "people person".

With such little said, it is equally natural to understand that during her most difficult and painful days she always (and I mean that literally) talked about her physical condition. There were days she was so angry with her affliction, she would stand by the window, watching people `out there, having fun' and sadly say, "I'm forced to stay here and die!" When in these moods (which were often) we would just embrace, talk and cry together. Those were moments which I describe as bitter-sweet. Bitter in that we had to go through them, but sweet in that we had the opportunity to share our deepest emotions and feelings.

Once her cancer was pronounced as `terminal' (that electrifying word) by her wonderful and caring medical professionals, she wanted and needed to talk about her condition. At one time her very loving and caring oncologist told her, "Don't plan your funeral but plan your future." Excellent advice, accurate and right on target! Anything her oncologist told her was written in stone. She trusted him explicitly!!!

With only a shortened time to live, (and who knew what that number was) she helped the entire family and friends deal with her forth coming death. She called it what it was. She explained her situation to her small grand and great grand children as only a grandmother can do. We all cried together. We laughed. We were angry: We grew to accept the reality that Grandma was going to live until she died, but she was going to die soon: That`s a load to carry, believe me!

She best prepared us for the horrible day by actually planning her funeral service. Everything was her personal choice. As my life's profession is working with funeral home staff's she was very familiar with most of my closest colleagues. After deciding what she wanted, she told the funeral director step by step exactly what she wanted them to do: It was an unusual session to say the least. Seldom do we have people so exact, explicit and expecting as she. In the funeral business we call this "preplanning": When a person (or family) goes to their . funeral director and succinctly lays out their funeral arrangements, there is little left to guess work. This relieves all family members of wonderment. It also assures the family members they have lived up to the deceased loved one's last desire. It is very important that the information shared with the funeral director is also openly shared with the entire family. This isn't an easy task and will involve a world of emotions. However, doing it will have rich dividends. Anytime the family gathered she always talked about what she wanted done at her funeral. Some could take it, others had much difficulty. However, finally she was so positive in what she was doing and why, the entire family soon learned to become a vital part of these discussions. As her oncologist instructed, she was planning her future.

Her instructions were so exact, she planned the viewing hours, the memorial service and prior taking her to the crematory she wanted to be driven past her favorite place, the local shopping mall. The funeral directors later informed me they had several stares from mall customers as they drove through that mall parking area. I felt good!

Nothing was normal. I informed a clergy friend who was participating with me, that this would be a funeral you didn't learn in seminary: And it was! During visitation she did not want, as she put it, "Those old dreary and sad religious songs" played during visitation, she wanted country music. So, we played, among others, Reba McIntyre's, "I'm a Survivor", no better song could be played. We laughed, talked, cried and felt extremely healed during this visitation period.

Her plans for the funeral were equally deliberate. She didn't want it called a `funeral' but "A Celebration of Peggy's Life". Celebration, it was! There was no preaching. No dreary music. Everything was upbeat and positive. She knew, we all knew, that her life was lived to the fullest and she was far better off now than she had been for the past number of years. Yes, it was hard, but it was real!

She requested no flowers at her service, but rather she wanted helium filled balloons. The church foyer was filled with balloons. Following the memorial we took those balloons out and released them, Again, her request. This was a powerful experience for our great-grandson only 6 plus years old, to this day sends his special balloons to Me-Maw up in heaven.

At this writing, it has been well over a year since my wife's death. I have spent untold hours reminiscing on what I did and what I should have done. Oh, yeah, I'm glad I did what I did! Leaving the personal for a bit, allow me to share some learning's I fell are very important. Please absorb what is beneficial to you and discord what is meaningless.

I have learned that it is extremely important to talk with your funeral director long before the need arises. You are more emotionally fit to discuss, intricate matters, than you will be when under pressure. Plan your funeral. Remember, the funeral isn't for the funeral director, nor the clergy but for you and your family members. Feel free to discuss with them your intimate desires. I assure you they will listen to your story and abide by your wishes.

I have learned the importance of family sharing with family. Family helps family heal far better than anything I have discovered. During these periods expect to be emotional. These are people we love and care about. They are part of our life. Share openly and often.

I have learned that the more we talk about the reality of our loved one's death, the easier it is to deal with the reality when it comes. I am not suggesting this be a topic of conversation after every evening meal, but I am strongly advising that the entire family know of our desires.

I have learned that we need specific caring people to be our companions during these trying days. There are many. Our clergy should be brought in early. Their caring and spiritual guidance will be rich and rewarding to everyone. Friends and relatives need to be considered and their role in this grief journey. These are the persons we love and that love us.

There can never be too much said about caring medical professionals. These qualified persons can make a very difficult journey much easier. They often reach a point where they realize there is nothing they can do, but listen. Most do a splendid job.

Often at last resort, our friends of Hospice must be called upon. Here are some wonderful and caring persons. Rely upon their faith, love and concern. Believe me you'll need them before that final death call reaches.

Although this has been somewhat difficult to write, I trust there was some gleam of truth that you could abide by. Looking back, I have absolutely no regrets. I did what I could for my wife. I would do it all over again. I still love her dearly, but I do not want her back to suffer so I can feel better. If I could, I would like to have things back like they were when we were raising our family, but we all know that can't happen. I'm grateful for my faith and dependence upon God. I'm happy for family and friends. And, yes, "I'm Glad I Did What I Did!"

WHERE AM I NOW?

Written by M.J. Nowyj

Usually, at this time of a new year, I often reflect upon the past years happenings and how I have responded to what I could or could not control as life unfolded before me. At this time, I usually look much more forward to ending the year or closing the book on yet another period of time that had me in it's grip, good or bad. For myself, the new year ahead seems to hold more promise as I anticipate new beginnings and the magic of a fresh start. I'm sure that's why I pull out the champagne and make a private toast that this year will be different! But, for now, I needed to linger a bit longer as I ask myself, "Where Am I Now?" I often ask if I'm in a better place psychologically, mentally, physically and most of all, spiritually. Reflection often helps me put life into new perspective.

This year especially meant a lot to me as I coped and dealt with the sudden deaths of three immediate family members beginning on Christmas Eve and ending less than a month later. The end and beginning of the year melted into one memorial service after another. Jarred mentally and physically, the impact of these losses spurred me to grasp onto life, live life, and enjoy the sweet and sour aspects life offers on a three hundred sixty-five day calendar year. So, I made active, conscious choices about what I wanted to do, how I wanted to spend my time, and with whom I wanted to share myself at any given moment. In spite of my fear of going beyond the safety of my home, I ventured out and traveled to unseen territory trusting I would make it home safely. By facing my fear the impact that first month had upon me, I was able to focus on much of the beauty the world has to offer in new visions, new relationships, new experiences, as well as new beginnings. Each week was another challenge to make my life as full as possible, seeing the good that life offers in spite of tragedy I worked on getting the joy back into my life. Now, the end of the year is here and I ask myself, "Where Am I Now?'

So, I pose a series of questions based upon the first year experience, "Where Am I Now?" Now, I'm definitely in a better place emotionally as I struggled with the question, "Why did all these deaths happen so suddenly?" Now, I'm in a much better place psychologically because I worked on comprehending how traumatic loss affects me personally. Now, I'm a better place spiritually because I didn't give up on a higher power that exists in my intellectual frame of reference. I reached out for answers in a variety of ways that seemed appropriate for me. I made a choice not to let death rob me of myself.

At the beginning of the year all I could think of was how could I write a happy ending as I faced the pain of grief that flowed through my family’s lives. How could I help ease their pain as they became a new widow, fatherless and motherless children, bereaved parents of an only child, and all those secondary loses so familiar when death occurs? I reflected upon my own grief journey and a successful passage through many phases. That reflection inspired me to give hope to others as they write their own happy ending. So, as one year flows into another, I trust I will keep inspired to create a spirit of strength as well as connection to the mystery of life as I travel my allotted time. By sharing with others, I've helped myself. That's a happy ending.