"IN THE DARKEST OF THE NIGHT"

Written by Dr. James "Jim" Burge Bereavement & After-Care Specialist

How many times have we heard our grieving friend lament, "I am having so much trouble sleeping at night." Many people will try to assure the griever that everything will soon get better. Frankly, that's little solace for someone that is hurting deeply and the nights are growing longer with the passing of each previous night. It is especially true when there seems to be no end to the severe pain which seems to dominate one's every wakening moment throughout the long, sleepless nights.

There is quite a difference in a grievers pain and the pain that accompanies some illness or medical problem. If it were a medical problem, we could go to a physician and point to the hurt and say, "Right here is where I feel the pain." However, in the case of a griever, there is no focal point. The pain is everywhere. It is endless. It gets to the point where we actually think we are literally going mad. Our friends become concerned. Everyone seems to have a meaningful solution. We listen to everyone's special remedy. The only problem, nothing seems to work! Someone suggests that we read some specific book. Sounds great! We purchase the book and soon discover we can't concentrate. Reading is a chore, so we put another book aside. Soon we have a stack of books, all of which are extremely good, but not now. So another suggests we surround ourselves with people, be they friends, relatives or just the crowd. Another venture taken, only to end in dismal failure. We try everything. We've read, gathered with family and friends, even gone out with the crowd, became a volunteer; and everything seems to end at the same juncture point. Our sleepless nights go on and on. What's wrong? Will I ever get through this maze?

By no means am I suggesting the above will happen in all cases. Nor do I want to be interpreted as suggesting that books, friends, relatives etc. don't have an active part in our grief recovery, because they do! However, what I am discovering is that the above does happen in far more situations that we realize. There is one thing about this grief thing. It takes time and plenty of it. Don't be mislead by that word time, often it is inwardly defined as on a specific day, date and hour my grief will dissipate. Oh, no! That just won't happen. Grief is different for each and every one of us. We react differently to it. We are taken back with it. There is no one size fits all concept.

Therefore, as we are all different, so goes our grief. Grievers are teaching me that there is a familiar common thread woven throughout most grief journeys and that is, those sleepless nights. So let's take a few moments and explore some thoughts and suggestions for those difficult night time blues. Now, remember, there is still no one size fits all solutions to our sleeplessness. What all of us must do, is explore what makes sense to us and consciously lay aside those things with which we deeply disagree, remembering they may work for someone else.

Most grievers willingly confess that they get along "rather well" during the working hours of the day. It seems as though we deliberately preoccupy our every waking moment with "something to do". Regardless if it is constructive or not, it is still "something to do". Haven't you heard your grieving friend say, "I actually hate to go home at nights for fear of what I'm going to face at the house!" We have all heard the challenge to "keep busy." Again sounds great, but literally just how much more busy can we get? I well remember the worthy advice of my Maternal Grandmother who taught, "You'll rust out long before you wear out." Again, the life long command to keep at it, never give up, and finally you'll make it. All of us could add something to ,the list, but once again, we still have to fight the lonely hours of the night.

For a change, try taking a "catnap" at some various times of the day. Don't discourage yourself by reasoning that if you sleep during the day, you can't sleep at night. May I call your attention to the fact that you aren't sleeping now, so try a change. The basic idea is to rest, both mind and body. Your need not go into a deep sleep, but get all the rest you can. I call these, "mini-vacations". Rest in your favorite recliner, chair, or sofa; it makes no difference. Play your favorite music. It appears to work better if you listen to music without the lyrics, however that appears to be a personal choice. While listening to your music, close your eyes, block out all that is around you. Think of your favorite vacation spot or area where you felt the most comfortable in times gone by. In short, just rest.

Wouldn't it be great if by some chance we could be given a pill or something equally simple to cause us to awaken in the morning with our thoughts clear and feel rested from a good nights sleep? It may be good, even great, but it just isn't going to happen that easily. Right now, it doesn't do a world of good to hear, but in time we will be back to some semblance of normalcy. Note; the key word is "normalcy" and "not like it was".

Something else we can't allow to get out of control, is our eating habits. During these early days of out grief journey, make certain your diet consists of good quality meals. They don't have to be large meals, but don't stoop to fast food stuffs. If our bodies receive quality foods, it will be much easier to adjust to the evening hours. Try eating your larger meal and mid day and snack at the evening, but be careful of the snacks.

What is happening is we expect our grief matters to be quickly completed, while in all other aspects of life, we tolerate, even invite, things to slow down. For some, their apparent grief matters are over quickly. While to others, it takes months, even years to get hold of those emotional things that drag us down. Remember once again, no one size fits an 11!

Many of us, in order to wile away the evening hours, revert to making drastic changes in our life styles. I'm not so certain that works very well. We can alter some life styles, but drastic changes may be more destructive than constructive. Ask any number of grieving persons how they conclude their evenings. I venture to say that most will inform us that they watch the evening news and then try to go to sleep. Some

say they have a snack and then go to bed. Others will tell us that they have tried everything and still can't sleep.

Finally, resign yourself to the fact that working through the grief journey requires work and patience. It isn't going to be over quickly nor easily, but it will conclude. I heard a computer fan describe the computer as "good stuff in, good stuff out." The same goes for we grievers. Fill our minds with good positive information. Develop an attitude of being a survivor. We aren't assuming that it will be easy. Just the opposite, it will be difficult, very difficult. You may possibly hear your loved one at some dominant hour of the day. It is not unusual to go into another room to ask your loved one a question, only to be stopped with the shock, your loved one isn't there. These things are natural, normal and necessary. Keep working at it. Don't give up. Look at the multitudes of people around you that have been successful in their grief journey. You will be successful also!

RAINBOWS

Written By M. J. Mowyj

As I lay there on the floor relaxing, I gazed up looking at the ceiling arid saw a strange image reflected from the window. The image appeared to be a paintbrush and just below it were two rainbows. I looked around the room to see where the reflection of color was coming from, but 1 couldn't find an thing . Still mesmerized by the image, I thought about the master artist and the universal rainbow that often appears after a fierce rainstorm. I also thought about how refreshing and joyful one feels at the sight of the arched image. Then, I remembered after my husband died, the storm of grief that seemed to make a lake of tears before I could stop crying. Rainbows never appeared to me at that time because I couldn't see anything clearly. I couldn't see a future without my husband. I couldn't see how God had plans for me. And, I certainly couldn't see the gift of new life at the end of the rainbow.

As the months and years went by, slowly, the sun began to show through the huge cloud of tears. My life began to fill up with new activities that provided a sense of direction I did not have during that intense grieving periods. Eventually, the curtain of grief pulled back to reveal brighter days, enhanced relationships, hope for new beginnings, and a sense of purpose, which I needed to go forth in a wonderful world. The image of the two rainbows made me realize then that I had a colorful life with my husband, as well as another colorful life ahead of me. The master artist is still at work painting rainbows after the clouds pass away. Maybe, it's just the angle we approach things from that makes the difference. Maybe, it's all in the timing. Or, maybe, it's when our hearts are open to new beginnings. Brighter days do lie ahead of us. There is hope at the end of the rainbow. There is new life. There is new joy. That's the pot of gold!