"FITTING THE PIECES TOGETHER"

Written by Dr. James "Jim" Burge Bereavement & After-Care Specialist

Realizing it dates me, but I have fond memories of some inconsequential childhood memories. One that comes vividly to mind is occasionally my father would purchase a large picture puzzle. This was a family project, enjoyed by a11. With many, many years gone by, it's rather strange how I remember some of the incidents surrounding putting those puzzles together.

Excitedly, we would all gather around that special board dad had made for such occasions. We all knew that after the finished project, dad would leave the picture on that board for awhile so we could inwardly boast of our accomplishments. It was a fine family project and especially dear during the cold winter nights as we had to provide our own entertainment. These were days long before television made its scene. Carefully, as though it might break, dad would empty the contents of the box on a special board he had prepared for just such `family party times'. It was great fun for we children to gather around the game board to meticulously turn all the pieces of the puzzle over so that the picture would show. This was about all we children could do at that time. We labored hard in order to get the outlining pieces in order so as to create a border for the puzzle. It was fun and also frustrating as my sister and I would work so hard to find a piece of the puzzle so we could proudly be an active participant. It was also very frustrating when we worked so hard, trying our best to fit one piece into the grand scheme of things, but that piece just didn't fit. When we did finally find a piece that fit, we were so excited!

Frustrated at not being able to fit many pieces into the puzzle, my sister and I, discouraged, would leave that family scene to go outside and play with the kids of the neighborhood. This was something we could do with some degree of satisfaction, because we felt comfortable. Our peers became sort of `security blankets' for us. After a bit of `fun in the sun' we would cautiously slip back into the house to find mother and dad still working at that puzzle. Much to our amazement, they had accomplished a lot of the puzzle while we were busy doing our `more important' things younger folks do:.

After some doing, and possibly weeks later, the puzzle was completed and all of us felt pretty good about our family accomplishment. It was always a happy time when dad came home with another puzzle because now my sister and I felt we could actually participate with some greater degree of proficiency having worked on the prior puzzle:

Time has speedily flown by since those early days of childhood. However, I am discovering those early lessons were of extreme value in my adult life. Especially, as a grieving adult. Both our parents have died. My sister and I are settled many miles apart. Life has changed once again. Both our spouses have died and we suddenly find ourselves still trying to fit many pieces of life together, just like those puzzles. I now see a large similarity in working on the puzzles as I do with the struggles of our grief journey.

Early in my professional career, I learned that it's extremely important for the family to work together on our grief journey. All of us are part of the whole. Adults, children, other family members are in need of the comfort of family. Each one has something to contribute. There will be times when each of us will try to put a wrong piece of life's puzzle where it just doesn't fit. It is a frustrating experience to say the least. There are times while struggling on that journey that we simply can't take it any more and must get up and move out of the circle, even if the exit is only temporary. Grief is hard work....very hard work!

Often, we will feel alone, just as I am certain that my parents must have felt while they worked on the picture puzzle all alone. Loneliness is one of the most difficult matters to deal with for a griever. Everything has changed. Nothing remains the same. Our loved one isn't sitting in the recliner as they once did. There isn't the usual clatter of dishes in the kitchen. The television isn't as interesting as it once was. People aren't calling or visiting as they once did. We are alone... nothing but our memories. Dr. Alan Wolfelt teaches us we must learn to dwell on our "memory pictures." Photo's are great, but nothing equals our vivid memory!

Fitting a11 the pieces together isn't ever easy, be it a picture puzzle or the hard cold facts of life. With the passing of our loved one, our entire life's picture is constantly changing. There are a lot of strange and unusual pieces in this new picture. Honestly, we don't like what we see. That's often difficult to explain to someone that has never had a death loss. My friend, don't be angry with yourself (or others) when family or friends don't understand your inner soul's yearnings. You see, prior to your death loss, it's quite likely that you weren't as tender to another's loss as you are now. We must understand, there is a vast difference in looking at life's puzzle from the outside rather than the inside. All this takes some getting used to in order to be able to accept this new picture. Note I said, "accept" this new picture, not "like" it. .

Nothing in life is set in concrete. Changes are everywhere. Our weather changes. As we watch our families grow up, changes take place. Some stay at home and work, others move far away: As we grow older, we are extremely reluctant to any form of change. Then that ugly visitor of death arrives and we are literally forced to change. These

pieces of life's picture are very difficult to fit together. We need not fear these changes, but learn to flow with them. Now that's much easier to say than it is to do. Therefore, I encourage you, make only those changes over which you have control, move slowly. If within your power, don't make any drastic changes without first bringing other persons on board with whom you confide.

Finally, work hard at being happy. The earlier you are in your grief journey, the more difficult that is. It's very similar to a child watching their parent put those picture puzzles together. We were amazed at the ease with which they worked. Now the same is true with our grief. We look at others and are amazed with how easily they made it through their death losses. You can't see the end of the tunnel, but believe me, there is light down there, and one day you too will realize that you are going to make it through. Begin early to accept the fact that sad emotions will surface. Think on it for a while, if sad emotions emerge, happy ones will finally come also.

SOME SUGGESTIONS FOR SUMMER

l. Strive to be happy once again.

For an early griever, this may appear more than you can do at the moment. We find it difficult to even think of happiness after our loved one has died. l never said it would be easy, but 1 am saying that it is extremely important to your physical and emotional health that you work towards happiness. If several couples were to ask you to join them, go! Remember, they would not have asked if they had not wanted you to come. At first, it will be somewhat awkward, eventually you will feel more comfortable.

2. Search for new adventures

As everything in your life has changed, look for other ways in which you can reach out to others: Long ago 1 remember a teacher who said, "When you divide, you multiply. "At first, I thought he was literally off his rocker. Now that experience is on my side, 1 now know that was a brilliant statement. Give of yourself (divide). Now that you are familiar with the pain of the grief journey, go to an acquaintance you know is grieving. You are acutely aware of the things you wanted, now it's your turn. The more you give (divide) the more you grow (multiply) Your kindness, love and compassion are contagious. People want to know there are some out there who care.

3. Get involved with various on-going groups

People continually inform me that they don't want to appear as `breaking into' another already set group. That's understandable. 1 venture to say that you have some friends in various groups that would gladly introduce you to the group and also go with you to special gatherings. A good bereavement support group is a fine place to start. Check with your local funeral home to discover exactly where these groups can be found.

4. Take care of your body

It's summer and with that, it's often a time to relax your eating and sleeping habits. Make certain you eat properly, which does not mean eat three square meals a day. You may need to eat several times a day but eat smaller portions. Just don't get into the trap of junk foods. Eat a lot of vegetables and fruits. Good wholesome meals! Your sleeping habits will more than likely be altered. Just make sure you rest. Take `cat naps' and take advantage of the message your body is sending you. When you're exhausted, your body will tell you. Listen closely, stop and rest. Also, don't forget to exercise. The best exercise you can do is to walk. Find a friend who would also like to walk..... Develop a `buddy system'. Begin slowly. Take short walks. Strive for a mile. Walk that mile for a while and increase the distance as you body tells you that it's o.k. But, don't forget the `buddy system' with a friend. With this in mind you'll stick to your goal easier.

5. Think of things you always wanted to do

Everyone needs a special personal friend. Talk things over with this friend. You both could possibly be on the same wave length. Suggest that special place you have always wanted to go. Talk it over, it's possible your friend would like to join you. Check with your local travel agency, the Automobile Association, church groups and senior citizens groups. All of these groups would have special travel opportunities available at very reasonable rates. Whatever you do....don't become a recluse. Life is full of opportunities. Chose those that are of special interest to you.

6. Remember, life moves on

Grievers always ask themselves the question, "How can I ever go on without my loved one?" Like all grievers, l asked that question numerous times. Finally, I became aware that 1 was the one who could answer that question. Life will never miss a beat, with or without me. I learned I have something to offer to society and 1 set out to do just that. There are numerous people out there that are just waiting for something to come by their way. Generally, these persons wait a very long time. The opposite is if there are opportunities out therefore us to be happy, go after them. Develop a positive attitude. l agree with The Rev. Dr. Robert Schuller, "If life has dealt you a bunch of lemons, make lemonade!" Try it, l think you'll like it!