"IS TIME THE GREAT 'CURE -ALL'? ... I DOUBT IT!"

Written by Dr. James "Jim" Burge Bereavement & After-Care Specialist

How many times has the griever been told, "Hold on my friend, time is the greatest cure-all for all our problems." Sounds good doesn't it? However, those of us who are traveling on that horrific grief journey, place little faith in this, among other, simplistic cliches'.

It commonly agreed upon that the meaning is well put, but the accuracy is far off target. Here we are, once again beginning another "holiday season." That period of time alone, carries a tremendous amount of emotional baggage. Some of which we will consider in this article.

Allowing grieving persons to be our teachers, we are speedily learning that it makes no difference if the death of your loved one occurred at the beginning of a calendar year or nearer the holiday season, the emotional impact is equally devastating. That first year without your specific loved one, is one of, if not the worst, seasons you will ever spend. All the plans, hopes and dreams of the present have now vanished, never to be returned. Personally, I have come to despise that cute, frequently used and meaningless phrase, "Just hang in there." Don't they know that you can only hang so long and the hanging itself actually equals death! Yes, grieving persons dread, (some actually hate) this season of year. Having been there, this attitude is understandable. On the outside looking in, having never had a death loss in your life, it is difficult if not impossible to understand how a griever actually feels.

So, my grieving friend, if you are having a difficult time trying to decide what you can/want to do this first holiday season of your death loss, relax, there is help on the way. It is natural and normal that your feelings and desires are quite different this year. You may want to carry on as in years gone by. By all means do so! However, you may feel that you simply cannot do ANYTHING that you did in years gone by. By all means don't! Life has taken on an entirely different perspective for you this year. Therefore, it is only normal (and sensible) that you also may take on a new perspective. Things you once enjoyed could possibly become a chore this year. Nothing is written in concrete. Be willing to be yourself and simply `pamper' yourself. Be prepared, you may run into some road blocks at this juncture of a `brand new you.' That's ok Do the thing you want and need to do. Simply be careful and don't make any life changing alterations at this early venture in your new life.

Often, our religious perspectives may get in the way during this season as we finds ourselves doing things we actually don't want to do, for fear of being considered as one with `little or no faith.' Everyone must realize that there are numerous people who have a deep spiritual background, who are also having a difficult time attending and participating at their favorite places of worship. You may discover there are too many deeply rooted emotional strings attached to doing the same things this year as you did last year. You now are living under a completely foreign array of circumstances this year. Your loved one has died! This alone causes the balance scales of living to swing very low. You may have a friend or relation to suggest that you attend a special worship service with them. Give that some consideration. Also be aware that this year you may decide not to participate in any religious activity. That's ok also! Remember, this too may change next year.

There is yet another thing we need to consider at this point. This year could be your second year (or more) of suffering through another holiday season. Many people have willingly confessed that `this second year was more severe than the first year of the loved one's death.' Thus, they are at a loss to understand this so called `unusual' feeling because so many people have informed them that , "Next year you'll feel better." Isn't it strange, that people who have never had a death loss in their life, can be so sure of your feelings of the future! There is a reason for these severe emotional swings for this second year. Actually, that first year was a period of intense shock. By the time the season rolled around, the griever possibly felt they were "on track" for their feelings, but when the holiday season actually arrives, they realized they were now facing the reality of the death for this first year. Generally, family and friends gathered close by to assure the griever that they were not alone. This isn't always true at the second or following anniversaries of our loved one's death. Both family and friends have quite likely gone back to their life `as usual' mode.

Now let us consider that frequently used phrase, "time is the great cure all." Here it is another year, another set of emotions. Many grievers are concerned that this second anniversary year, they actually feel worse than they did during the original date of death. We have many, many acquaintances that have informed us "time is a great healer" so we banked a lot on feeling somewhat normal this second year. The only thing, it didn't happen that way. We actually feel worse!

That first year you were in shock! Nothing was right. People had to do most of your work, both mentally and physically. Now, on this anniversary date, you have begun the difficult work of putting your life back in some semblance of order and began the hard work of the present. Now, not as last year, you can think more clearly. You are face to face with the reality that your loved one really isn't here, nor will they ever be, and that within itself takes a world of doing! In short, we are now entering a new world of reality as everything takes on a different view.

For fear of being misunderstood, please be aware that I subscribe to the fact that we must be willing to work through time. As time progresses, we become much better able to deal with this new life without our loved one. It takes work! It takes a lot of work! By no means is it easy, but it is possible! My major fear is that grievers have been given far too much `ill advise' that they assume everything will just vanish away and life will be normal once again. If `normal' means life will go forward, then I am ok with that meaning. However, if `normal' is defined as "life as it once was" then I have much difficulty with this concept. It is not like it was!

So, you see my friend, I am in hopes that you will admit up to the intense pain of this season and with the help of your family and friends that you will be able to work through and begin to enjoy the season, just some what. Each year, as this time comes around, know that there will be difficult times, but you will survive!

THE HOLIDAYS ARE COMING! THE HOLIDAYS ARE COMING!

Written by Kay Bevington, Van Wert, Ohio

(Note: We are pleased to have Kay write another article for A Time For Everything Bereavement Services. Kay comes with a wide background of assisting grieving parents. She is well known as an international lecturer and professional teacher.)

The holidays are descending upon us like a storm. Families are planning Thanksgiving. Churches are planning for Christmas and synagogues are planning for Hanukkah. BUT, we bereaved parents, do not feel like celebrating anything!. It is even difficult for some of us to smile since our child/children died, especially if it has only been a few months/ years since we have become bereaved parents.

Most of us would like to go to bed about mid November, cover our heads and sleep until January 3rd. Unfortunately we are unable to hibernate like a bear since most of us have to work or have other responsibilities.

The holidays are an especially difficult time of year for any bereaved person, but when there are no longer any children to celebrate or no family to visit then it becomes even more burdensome.

It is wise to PLAN AHEAD and not just LET THE HOLIDAY HAPPEN.

If this is your first holiday without your child/children you may want to prepare a special letter now and mail it early to friends and family. Let them know how you are feeling and ask them to send a special memory or photo to you sometime around the holidays of your child/children. Suggest ways that you would like them to remember your child. It might be a special ornament for the tree, a special candle to be lighted for Hanukkah or Christmas or a donation of money to a favorite charity in memory of your child. Ask them to let you know what they have chosen to do to commemorate the life of your child.

Some bereaved parents take their child's artwork or writings and have them imprinted on cards or stationery and mail these as their holiday greetings. The most recent photo of you and your child can also be included. Many have made return address labels with the child's photo, name and birth and death date. This is an immediate reminder to everyone that your child will always be a part of your life.

You will also want to plan how you can keep your child's memory alive. Some donate books to a public institution or help an underprivileged child or family with the money you would have spent on your child.

If you must shop then do it early. It is so difficult to go to a mall and see families shopping together, music playing and everything decorated. Later in your grief you will be able to do this with very little pain, but if that is not where you are on your grief journey then do not punish yourself.

Some bereaved parents have found that escaping to a different environment during the holidays is the answer to avoiding family gatherings or being alone on those difficult days. For the single parents it is wise to find other single friends that you can travel together.

Some bereaved parents find it reassuring to stay at home and have friends and family in for the holiday. If you decide to do this you may want to plan a small commemorative service for your child. You may want to include all the deceased members of the people attending in the commemorative service. Special songs can be played, videos can be viewed or photo albums shared. Special memories can be shared and perhaps a special song can be played. Many have balloon releases or candle lighting ceremonies, naming each deceased loved one no longer present at the gathering.

Discuss means of remembering your child with your rabbi or minister. Most places of worship are open to suggestions of ways of making the holidays easier for the bereaved and more meaningful to everyone that attends the services.

If you cannot attend the worship services this year that is ok If you attend you may want an "escape route" in case you find you are unable to cope at the last minute. Find a seat near the back or at a corner so you can leave without disrupting others.

Remember to allow time for quiet meditation, prayer and reflection during these holidays. Purchase some new grief books, a book that is humorous, rent or attend a funny movie, and take time for exercise and rest. Mix humor with crying, as both are essential ingredients while doing your grief work.

The holidays are fast approaching but we can learn to cope with the stress by planning ahead. I also want to offer you the assurance and hope that these days will NOT ALWAYS be so terribly difficult.

Reflections

Written by M.J. Nowyj

As I sat there contemplating my morning journal reflections, I heard the sound of a flock of geese, obviously heading South to a warmer climate, since Summer was ending. I was reminded of how many times I’ve heard that sound and the odd feelings that occurred within me, Of course, I know that sound signals that I’m headed for Winter, closed doors and windows, as well as darker days, When my husband died, it was in the middle of the Summer when the warmth of the sun surrounded me, I remember thinking, “How will I make it through the cold months alone and calamities that might happen?” I felt so insecure thinking about the elements I had to face. Then, as the summer turned into Fall, and Fall into Winter, I assumed to hide, so others could not see my sorrow, The cold weather and snowy periods kept me inside as I continued to heal from the wound death had given me.

Gradually, the days became longer and the nights shorter as Winter turned into Spring. I remember one morning hearing the sound of the geese flying overhead as the traveled Northward, signaling the return of warmer weather, I thought about how I had managed getting through my first Winter and what seemed to be like a dark tunnel of grief out into the openness of brighter days, I felt so grateful for the turning point that helped me to accept nature’s way of teaching and guiding me through the seasons of life. There are beginnings, middles, and endings. There are periods of darkness and light. And, there are times where ewe are dormant, but then growth takes place. Grief is like the cold hard Winters in the Northern Hemisphere, It’s a rough time, for sure! Getting through is challenging, but hope emerges as we allow nature to take its course, just like the call of the geese, changing direction for their survival.